I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
