when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
