I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize