im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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