I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
