Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize