Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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