On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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