I can tuck mytits in my pants
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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