ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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