I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
