He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
