you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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