Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
