the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
