I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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