im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
