It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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