she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
