Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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