margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
