found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
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