I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
