Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
