WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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