I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize