my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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