Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize