I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
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