i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
