I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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