she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
