So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
