He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
