I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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