All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
