I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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