just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
