Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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