maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
