Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
