I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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