Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
