She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
