end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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