Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
