guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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