Heybabeimwearingurpanties
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
