1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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