You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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