you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
