well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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