Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
