he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
