She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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