Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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