Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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