My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
