Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
