I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
