i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm really busy with my period
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