when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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