It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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