I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Your dad touched me again.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
