Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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