I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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